The Passing of Two Dear Friends
We are 12,500 feet above the Earth. The back of the plane swings open, unleashing a torrent of wind inside. Manny and I peer down, confirming the sight of the airport's landing strip. Not because we plan to land there, but because we are about to leap from this perfectly functional plane. I spent the previous 10 days living with Manny, his wife Abigail, and their family, training to become a licensed skydiver. This jump was our celebratory finale.
A few weeks ago, I woke to a call that none expected to get. A friend called to tell me that Manny and Abigail had died in a plane accident. I was so shocked by the news I couldn't process what he had told me. I kept asking him about Manny. Where is he right now? Are you near him? How's he doing? Can you put him on the phone? I couldn't register that both of them had died.
My friend waited for me to finish to respond that they were both on the plane and died together. Even as I write these words, I am having trouble processing the reality of their passing. These two wonderful people left behind five young and beautiful children. Making their death all the more tragic.
This loss has driven me to explore death and the importance of considering our mortality. Death is one of the few guarantees we have in this life. All we do is guided by that truth, regardless of whether we are conscious of it or not. We cross the street and look both ways because of that truth, just as we fear falling from a high building.
Manny’s and Abigail’s passing has left a void like the emptied bottom half of an hourglass, representing time spent that can't be regained. It's driven me to deeply contemplate our mortality and how this awareness can shape our lives.
Reflecting on the Hourglass of Life
I am a long-time listener of the Sam Harris Making Sense podcast. And since hearing the news, I have revisited a few of the podcasts where the topic of death is the focus. That led me to review the analogy of the hourglass mentioned in a compilation episode. In the opening, the narrator explains the “Hourglass of Life” by saying,
“Imagine you have an hourglass on your desk. You have the option to look at it, but for the most part, it sits in the background. It’s in your periphery. When you choose to look at it, you see the amount of grains that have fallen on the bottom, but the top half of the grain is obscured."
We move ever closer to death and can choose to think about or avoid it. Ultimately, this analogy led me to create the image below and explore it further. The hourglass, the sea, and the cosmic space symbolize our existence's paradox. Awareness of our mortality can guide us toward a more conscious and courageous life.
Hourglass of Life
The hourglass represents life. The bottom of the hourglass contains fallen grains. A symbol of the time we've lived, clearly visible. While the top half includes the grains yet to drop. Obscured from our view, the top represents the uncertain future - the time we've yet to live or might not get to live. Cherish each grain (each moment), as we can never know how many remain.
Voyage of Existence
Below the floating hourglass of life is the ocean. It symbolizes life's vastness and unpredictability, filled with opportunities and challenges. The sailboat is our navigation through this vast ocean of life, with all its uncertainties and potential dangers.
The backdrop of the hourglass is the next frontier, space. An enormous and more mysterious expanse for exploration. It represents the unknown, our quest for knowledge, and the courage to face the new and unseen.
Interconnection
Like an hourglass floating in the cosmic ocean, we are sailors and astronauts in the vessel of life. We navigate the sea of experiences while being acutely aware of the grains of time slipping away. The obscured future (top of the hourglass) and the unknown galaxies in space both underline the unpredictable and infinite nature of possibilities. A conscious life is to have the courage to navigate towards them, regardless of the uncertainty.
A Conscious and Courageous Life
The hourglass is a reminder of mortality. It's an invitation to live life with conscious awareness and courage. To embrace the unknown, seize each moment, and live fully. The promise of a fuller life doesn't lie in the number of grains yet to fall. It's our determination to make every grain count that matters. Holding this image in our minds can inspire us to live with an awareness of our mortality and the courage to make each moment truly ours.
The Importance of Contemplating Dying
As we explore the hourglass, let's consider the lessons that can be drawn from contemplating our mortality. One particularly enlightening source I've encountered is the work of Frank Ostaseki.
As I have looked deeper into death and dying, I have realized how many books, podcasts, videos, and music are on the topic. Instead of going through an exhaustive list here, I will recommend Sam Harris's work. I recommend starting with Jay Shapiro's work in a compilation series named "Making Sense of." It's the 8th episode in this series that I am heavily leaning on for the content of this blog. I cannot recommend enough this episode dedicated to the topic of death.
Alongside the episode is an accompanying pdf for a podcast. In this pdf, they outline five lessons that Frank Ostaseki, the first director of the Zen Hospice Project, learned from his time caring for the dying.
"1. Don’t Wait - An encouragement to recognize the impermanence of life and to live fully in the present moment. Live life with a sense of urgency and purpose.
2. Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing - Embrace life in its entirety, including the difficult and painful aspects.
3. Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience - A reminder to not hold back or try to protect ourselves. Cultivate deeper connections and compassion.
4. Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things - An invitation to find moments of stillness and peace even in the midst of busyness and chaos.
5. Cultivate “Don’t Know” Mind - Approach life with curiosity and openness rather than clinging to fixed ideas or beliefs."
Thinking about death gives a clearer sense of life's preciousness. Keeping death at the forefront provides a powerful motivation to live a fuller life and appreciate the moments we have. To enjoy shared experiences with dear friends and appreciate all precious, seemingly ordinary moments. Like sitting in southern California traffic for hours jamming out to music together.
The Tragedy and Beauty of Life
With each falling grain, we're reminded of the paradox that is our existence, the mixture of the tragic and the beautiful. Every wake-up call, every sudden loss, reshapes our perception of this delicate balance. It doesn't get easier to hear the news of an early death. I have now had to deal with a version of this wake-up call more times than I would like to recount here. Unfortunately, premature deaths are common among friends in the military. Receiving news of tragedy is never easy. Absorbing the shock of tragic news is always a challenge. Yet, it can lead us to a deeper appreciation of life's beauty. We can learn to cultivate a mindset that cherishes every shared moment. To savor the joys of life even before tragedy strikes.
Practical Advice for Engaging with Mortality
As we navigate this cosmic ocean of existence, we can use specific tools to keep us present, aware, and appreciative of our finite grains of time. Meditation is one such tool. Meditation profoundly affects all that is life, so I highly recommend incorporating it into your daily practice. Though I warn you, it's a difficult practice. Even for someone like me who advocates for it. I've felt the benefits, attended a silent retreat, and learned much from master practitioners. Yet, I still struggle to maintain my daily practice. So, I get it. Meditation as a daily practice is not for all.
Another tool is to expose yourself to the topic. Engage with the thoughts and reflections of poets, philosophers, and artists. Thinking about death is a powerful way to better engage with the beauty of life. I hope that by now, that statement no longer sounds paradoxical. By being more conscious about the finitude that is our lives, the more precious the time we get to live seems.
Tribute
With every grain that falls, we're reminded of the echoes left by those who've passed. Let us honor Manny and Abigail's memory by celebrating their remarkable lives. They were the epitome of devoted parents, a couple I admired and would undoubtedly have sought advice from when I had my own children.
Manny was the hardest-working father I have ever met. He became a pilot, an instructor, and an entrepreneur, all while being there for his kids every chance he had. Abigail, a mother of five, found a way to keep fit after each pregnancy and build a successful real estate agent career in Southern California. They were magnificent and truly one-of-a-kind people.
They leave behind five beautiful children, now facing a future without them. Any support can make a difference. Please consider donating via this GoFundMe link. Every bit of generosity means the world.
Live
Through loss, we gain perspective. Through contemplation, we discover courage. And in acknowledging death, we unveil the sheer beauty of life.
So, don't wait. Go out there today and embrace the life that is yours. Reach out to your friends and family - not tomorrow, but now. Remind them of their importance in your life and tell them you love them. We live on borrowed time; let's make every grain in our hourglass count.
I am so sorry for your loss Dylan.
As shocking as this may sound, one of my best friends was very close with the pilot, Riese. He received a call from Riese that Friday to come over to the airport and hang out before they took off, maybe even fly with them.
I was hanging out with the same friend that day on a boat, so he said no to Riese. Little did any of us know, the alternative to being on that boat would’ve been possibly joining them on that flight.
What happened is such a tragedy and I pray for the passengers and the families. They all seemed like great people.
This post resonated deeply with me, since I could’ve lost a best friend on that flight. As you mentioned, we live on borrowed time. Our time here is precious. I will move forward being mindful to cherish the time granted with those closest to me.
Thank you for sharing this, and hope you are doing well. I hope that the families find peace in this tragic time. I hope the children go on to have meaningful lives and many children of their own.