The P30 Comeback Blog
A blog about attempting to break the vicious cycle of anxiety & crippling confidence
Why I am Writing this Blog Post
I started to write the draft of this blog back in August but my lack of confidence prevented me to publish. Ironic because in this blog I am attempting to work through the anxiety and shattered confidence that I have in my writing. Even my general quavering confidence in Project 30.
At the time I was sitting in a cafe in Jackson Hole, where I had finished one of the more beautiful runs of Project 30. I ran in the glorious Tetons National Park. This run brought me immense joy and a much-needed boost of confidence.
And while that boost helped me take up writing again, it ultimately didn't give me the nudge that I needed to publish on my blog.
With all that said, I want to warn anyone willing to read this blog that this will not be a strong or coherent one. Rather, this blog will be closer to a stream of consciousness. One that will act as a cathartic release. A release that I hope will allow me to break through the mental writing wall that I created over the past six months.
All in all this year has been phenomenal! But like with anything in life, there are ups and downs, and it's those downs that I want to concentrate on in this blog.
I've pretty much pushed off publishing and even writing in general since April when I was in Thailand. I first lost my publishing momentum when I was indisposed due to an illness in Pai. I wrote about that miserable time in this blog (link to the blog post. I was bedridden for a week with symptoms that felt like an extreme bout of the flu and dehydration. It was a terrible experience to go through. I can pinpoint that moment as the time that my confidence in both my writing and Project 30 started to break down.
Confidence
Up until that point, I was feeling invulnerable. I was running my P30 runs with strong paces and dare I say, enjoyment.
At the time this is what my training regiment looked like:
An early morning run of 4-5 miles a day
I trained Muay Thai for four hours a day
An additional daily workout of
100 pull-ups
200 push-ups
15 minutes of abs
In total, I was training up to 6 hours a day for 6 days a week, every week for three weeks straight. Oh, and in week two I snuck in one of my 30-mile ultra marathons. But that came crashing down on the fourth week.
Looking back, it was obvious that I was overloading my body and it would only be a matter of time before it came crashing down to a halt. But at the time, I truly believed I could keep pushing harder and harder. In the end, though I wasn't taking care of myself as well as I could have. I certainly wasn't treating recovery and rest as routinely as I needed to with that kind of load.
In any case, that week of sickness did a lot of damage. Besides the physical damage of losing 10 pounds in a week, it also shattered me mentally.
As I look back, I can see that a lot of my confidence was (and continues to be) tied to my physical output. This is why the following weeks, and even months, were very difficult for me.
After the last week in Pai, Akshay and I went down to Bangkok. By the time I arrived in Bangkok I was feeling healthy again, so much so that decided I would run another one of my P30 runs. Unfortunately, this decision was a foolish one and would lead me to pay a heavy price.
Bangkok: P30 Run # 7
Date: March 29th, 2022
I told myself that I felt strong and confident going into this run. Even though I knew I had recently recovered from a terrible sickness a couple of days prior. Crazy as it may seem, I was right to feel confident. For the first 24 miles, I felt like my old self, running dexterously. I even enjoyed the fact that I was exploring the city and its beautiful parks on foot. But then it happened. A moment I had been dreading ever since training for Project 30. I came crashing down with an injury. My left knee had given out on me.
The pain was so excruciating that while I was on the ground I began to massage my knee. The whole time hoping I could ease the pain. After what felt like an eternity of being in pain. I got myself back up. But, those last five miles were brutal and demoralizing. I had to fight for every step. It took me nearly two hours to finish the last five miles.
Bengaluru: P30 #8
Date: April 10th, 2022
Fast forward a couple of weeks, and now Akshay and I are in Bengaluru, India. Might sound obvious to anyone reading this but long nights out partying and adventuring in Bangkok and Phuket do not equal having a strong and athletic body that is ready for an ultra marathon. While I wasn't as sick as I was in Pai, I didn't feel strong. Though after a few days of resting, taking vitamins, and hydrating, I decided I would run my eighth P30 run.
This time around the majority of my route was on a dirt path within the Lalbagh City Park. This helped prevent any major joint issues, especially on my knees. Though there was another issue. One that would become far more troublesome than a joint problem. Air pollution. Bengaluru was hard to breathe in let alone run in. So it should come as no surprise that I felt pretty miserable after wrapping up this run. So miserable in fact that I had to spend three full days letting my lungs recover in my hotel room.
But this would only be the second of three runs that crippled my confidence.
Bali: P30 #9
Date: April 21st, 2022
A couple of weeks later, I was on the beautiful island of Bali. An island that deserves all the love that it receives around the world as a haven for tourism and beautiful living.
At another time, I will dedicate myself to describing my time on this island. For now, though, I'll concentrate on the run and its effect on me.
This run was and continues to be the hardest run that I have ever done in my life. I once again felt an excruciating pain in my left knee, but this time it wasn't late into the run. The pain started at mile 12. The pain was so extreme that I couldn't bend my knee. Meaning I had to spend 18 miles running while keeping my left knee locked out. I did this in an environment that got increasingly hotter and more humid. Those 18 miles were the toughest and most painful of my life. It took every ounce of mental and physical strength that I had in me to get through it.
Confidence
So here I am, three daunting and taxing Project 30 runs later. I had battled through joint pain, multiple bouts of being sick, and pushing myself to my physical running limit. Instead of coming out of those battles stronger, I felt defeated and weak.
I couldn't get myself to think positively about the runs, let alone reflect and write about them. This led to a near-complete hiatus in my writing.
Then as the weeks were passing by and I started to get sparks of inspiration to write, I kept finding other ways to psych myself out. I would tell myself that too many days, weeks, and months have passed since my last post.
"No one wants to read about your runs"
Who cares about what you've been doing, you don't since you won't write about it"
"What's the point of writing?"
The little monkey in my brain kept these thoughts swirling around in my brain. I couldn't find a way to quiet him down so I avoided it all together.
I instead concentrated on other things. I focused more on traveling, meeting new people, and partying. I pretty much did everything else to fill my day so I wouldn't have to think about writing or reflecting on my runs.
Gili T: P30 #10
When I ran in Gili T, I decided to stop at the marathon mark, 26.2, instead of doing a full 30 miles. At the time of the run, I had justified stopping early because it had gone well up until then. I knew that the weather would only get hotter as it drew closer to midday. Which would lead to another very difficult end to a run.
While I felt great about finishing the run, I knew deep down that I let myself down by stopping at the marathon mark.
Marathons instead of the 30s
The Gili T run would lead me to accept marathon mileage instead of 30 miles for the next three out of the four runs. In essence, I was subconsciously accepting defeat and I knew it.
The Negative Feedback Cycle
From the Bengaluru P30 run, in April, all the way through the Budapest P30 run, in July, I found myself struggling to get through each of the runs. Struggling both mentally and physically.
While I would allow myself to feel good and proud for getting the runs done, I still had this overarching feeling that I was letting myself down. I kept criticizing myself harshly for getting sick and not completing a full 30 miler. So much so that l went into avoidance mode. I avoided reflecting and writing together.
I did have times when I felt the inspiration to write and reflect but that's when a surge of anxiety would blast through me. Thoughts and questions would swirl around my brain like a boa constrictor wrapping around its prey. Suffocating me. Paralyzing me.
How can I just write a blog when I have taken so much time off?
What could I possibly write about that would justify my time off?
Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?
I found myself in a negative feedback cycle. The more time I took off, the more my anxiety rose. The more I tried to reflect and write, the more my anxiety would grow.
Attempting to break the cycle
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been giving myself room to think about my anxiety and reflecting on my past nine months.
I've especially focused on all the overwhelmingly positive aspects, such as:
Accomplishing 23 P30 runs as of this writing!
Meeting all sorts of great people
Exploring new and old countries alike
Becoming closer friends with Akshay (traveling as much as we did will certainly do that)
Learning some badass new skills, like Freediving
Having amazing friends that are willing to join me on my runs
Fortunately, this dedication to reflection has also coincided with runs that have turned out to be especially great. Such as the runs near the Matterhorn and Teton mountains as well as the legendary Inca Trail Marathon in Peru.
Project 30 has been one hell of a ride so far and at times it has been hard for me to accept my limitations. But that's part of life. Even when I am living a free and travel-full lifestyle there will be times that I will feel down on myself. I am attempting to make myself more open and accepting of that truth.
Instead of avoiding those feelings, I am learning to embrace them. Like everything else in my life, it will require hard work and dedication if I want to get stronger and improve. And that's a challenge I am happy to accept.